The Henson Journals

[426]

Trinity Sunday, June 2nd, 1912.

Twenty five years ago I was ordained on this Festival in the parish church of Cuddesdon. Almost everybody has died, & almost everything has changed. In that long time – half a long working life – what have I done? The mountains of M.S. sermons represent almost all: & they disgust me so much that I can hardly hold myself back from burning the lot. Yet what remains to me but to increase the rubbish heap till the end comes? Not one bishop who was on the Bench in 1887 is now included in the Diocesan Episcopate. All are dead.I myself am least changed of all the men I know. Puzzled & unhappy I was a quarter of a century ago: today I am only more puzzled & more unhappy. And there mingles with the perplexity & unhappiness elements of remorse & self–distrust, which were hardly present then. For I have failed greatly, personally & publicly: and I can no longer alleviate my humiliation by the hope of recovering myself, & retrieving my position. At 49 one has no illusions left: & not even the vanity of a Fool can pretend not to see the whole extent of one's possibilities. The air is heavy & depressing: and it rains continuously.

[427]

Ashamed I come, yet worshipping that love

Which first enkindled hope within my heart,

Which lifted my unhallowed thoughts above,

And taught me from my low desires to part.

Thou, Suffering One, didst breathe forgiveness still,

And bid me cry to heaven, & never cease,

Till boundless mercy should my wish fulfil,

And dull despair make way for radiant peace.

Beloved of my soul, for nought I ask

But grace to love my Saviour and my Friend,

To bow, rejoicing, to the humblest task,

And to my Father's Will my spirit bend.

James Drummond. 'Johannine Thoughts' p.74

At 8 a.m. Westlake celebrated. There were but 16 communicants. After service I walked round to Downing Street, and left a note on Mrs Asquith as to Elizabeth's Confirmation.

The rain diminished the congregation at Mattins. I preached on 'Isaiah's Vision', and afterwards celebrated the Holy Communion. There were 62 communicants.

Mrs Glassford Bell, Miss Bovey, another young lady, & Gilbert were guests at lunch. Afterwards Gilbert read 'Romany Rye' to me for 3/4 an hour.

[428]

The Church Parade of Territorials at 4 p.m. was favoured by bright weather, for the rain ceased about noon, & the afternoon was fine. I preached from S. James ii.12 'So speak ye, & so do: as men who are to be judged by a law of liberty'. The National Anthem at the close was sung with notable fervour.

About a dozen of the choirboys came to tea pleading that there was no time for them to get home before Evensong.

There was a large congregation at Evensong, when I preached for the third time, taking for my text the words, "I could not see for the glory of that light", which formed the text of the first sermon I preached after my Ordination. It was preached in S. Paul's, Oxford, on June 12th 1887.

Mary & her sister, Linetta, the Precentor, Gilbert, & Reggie came in to supper, & were all very chattersome & gay: & with their talk & laughter I brought to a close an anniversary, which never fails to sadden & in some sense terrify me.

[429]

On Monday, June 3rd 1912, I dined for the first time with the Literary Society. The company numbered no less than 18. Sir Sidney Colvin, the President, was there, & I sat beside him as a new member. On my other side was Sir Matthew Nathan, also a new member. Among those whom I identified were Arthur Elliot, Briton Rivière, John Murray, Prof: Darwin, Norman Moore, John Buchan, Valentine Chirol, Fisher, & Admiral Custance. It was a very agreeable evening. On Tuesday afternoon, the Letters of Business Committee met, & sate until midday on Thursday. Burrows appeared, and we gave him an Ordinal, in which we all wrote our names. The Bishop–designate of Truro is plainly much pleased with his escape from Birmingham.

To my surprise I received a cheque for £26.5.0 as a present from the executors of Sir Julius Wernher, in recognition of my services in the Memorial Service in S. Margaret's.

On Saturday, the 8th June, I married Colonel Browne in St Margaret's. His first marriage had been annulled ten years ago. It was an odd case, not easy to decide, but the course I took seemed to me most equitable in the circumstances.

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