The Henson Journals

[158]

Trinity Sunday, June 11th, 1922.

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In what a tumult of conflicting emotions I was ordained on a brilliant summer morning 35 years ago! I was in doubt about everything except just the clear necessity laid on me that I must be ordained. Today, I am more than ever distracted, and upon the doubts has been imposed a great mass of practical embarrassments, which is almost overwhelming. The question begins to take shape in my mind, Can I, being what I am, administer a diocese in the present circumstances of the Church of England? Can I, thinking as I do, and living in this manner & habit, fulfil an episcopate? Am I not too far removed from the prevailing modes of thought and life to be able to command sufficient cooperation within the diocese? Am I not too completely out of sympathy with the tendencies and ideals of industrial life to be able to influence the people? Have I any convictions, clear enough and strong enough, to equip me with a message, and the enthusiasm to proclaim it? Can I command a sufficient measure of material support to administer a diocesan system, which grows ever more costly? Is there any ground for thinking that Ordination candidates will be attracted to this diocese in number adequate to the needs of the parishes? If I can neither man, nor finance, nor lead the diocese, what purpose do I serve in continuing to hold the bishoprick? Is any raison d'être left to me?

[159] [symbol]

On the other hand, is it possible to review these 35 years on ministry and not to believe that God's Hand has been directing the course of my life? Can I really think that I have been brought to this place apart from His Purpose? And, if I can dare, nay if I cannot but dare, to believe that, is not my duty clear? Must I not stumble forward as best I may, facing every problem as it emerges, and striving to discover its solution with such lights as are given me? Show Thou me the way that I should walk in for I lift up my heart unto Thee. And ought I not to acknowledge frankly the weakness and confusion in my public career, which flow evidently from the faults & incoherences of my personal life? Must I not seek to discover how much of my present embarrassment has its roots in my private failure? "Make me a clean heart, O God: and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence: and take not thy holy Spirit from me. O give me the comfort of thy help again: and stablish me with thy free Spirit. Then shall I teach thy ways unto the wicked: & sinner shall be converted unto thee". Moreover, apart from my own immense faults, and in spite of my failures, this Christianity, which I must needs stand for, is a Divine thing, and carries the promise of Victory. We may not know the day, nor the hour: but in the time appointed God vindicates His Cause, and takes it into His own Hands. So I pick up the Commission again, & march on.

[160]

Ella and Fearne accompanied me in the motor to Durham for the Ordination in the Cathedral at 10 a.m. The service was very solemn & moving for most of the officiating clergy had been ordained on Trinity Sunday, and were perforce recalling the years, few or many, of their ministry. Cruickshank preached a characteristic sermon in which he said many good things. His delivery is deplorable, & he was badly heard. Clayton and I lunched with the Bishop of Jarrow: Ella and Fearne with the Archdeacon! After lunch Bishop Quirk and I walked in the banks. I attended Evensong in the Cathedral, & afterwards joined my wife at tea with Dawson Walker. He introduced to me his son, Harvey, who is starting at Corpus in October, intends to read for the History School, and to take Holy Orders. After tea we returned to Auckland.

Why is it that after every service, in which one seems to be more than commonly exalted in spiritual fervour, a cloud of depression & discomfort settles on one's spirit, and creates a mood of despondent cynicism? Is it merely physical reaction from exceptional emotional strain? Or, may one carry the matter into that shadow land of spiritual conflict in which the saints have lived and striven, finding in it nothing less than a stern phase of the eternal conflict which the soul must wage with the Powers of Darkness? I don't know: but the fact is only too evident, in my experience. Every moment of spiritual exstasy is the prophesy and prelude of spiritual eclipse.

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