The Henson Journals

[39]

2nd Sunday after Christmas, January 5th, 1919.

This first Sunday in the New Year sets my mind seriously on the plan and purpose of my life in this place, for this year must disclose the answer to the question, whether or not I can fulfil a bishop's duty totally? The experience of last year was too troubled and abnormal to be a satisfactory test, though such evidence as it did provide was not encouraging. But whatever discounts & extenuations were legitimate in 1918 have no fitness or legitimacy in 1919. I am to be put to the test in a crucial & apparent form. Assuredly I go to my probation in a very perplexed and disheartened spirit, and if there be any close analogy between physical and spiritual warfare that circumstance is hardly prophetic of success. These conditions of failure are clear enough viz. Poverty, lack of Method, and personal isolation. I cannot move with freedom through lack of money, nor can I wield the manifold influence which money gives. Nothing in my previous life has qualified me for the meticulous business of a rural diocese: and it is the case that my opposition to the prevailing policy in the Church cuts me off from sympathy, and makes me enigmatic & unintelligible even to those who would like to work with me. It is difficult to avoid a depressing sense of inadequacy as one weighs the situation.

[40]

I celebrated the Holy Communion in S. John's (the Lady Chapel). Bannister assisted & ministered the Chalice. He has to celebrate at midday as Canon in Residence, so (had I not come myself) he would have "duplicated". This is not as it should be. Then I was vexed to see how dirty the altar linen was, and how ill–cut the very stale bread. It is not creditable that there shd be no Celebration in the Cathedral itself on Sunday morning at 8 a.m., for, though S. John's is architecturally a part of the Cathedral, it has the rank of a parish church, and must needs be no more than a "side–show". I suppose nothing can be done until there is a new Dean.

Instead of going to Mattins I stayed in my study & wrote a long letter to Mr Fairbairn, in answer to his inquiry about Ordination. After lunch we walked out together, & called on Sir Robert & Lady Lighton. We found them both at home. He is standing as a candidate for the Canterbury House of Laymen.

I wrote a short article with a view to sending it to Major for the "Modern Churchman", as I promised some days ago, but if I write also in "The Times", may not this be unadvisable?

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